Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
