Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize