she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need a beard to bite.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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