Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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