Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
