nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize