I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
