living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
