the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
