It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
