what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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