I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
