I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
