90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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