I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
