Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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