I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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