he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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