he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
