Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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