I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just cropdusted the office
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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