my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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