We're facebook friends in real life
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Little spoons don't ask big questions
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
