When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
