i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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