What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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