I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
