The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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