My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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