I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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