He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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