can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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