this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
