i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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