Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
