Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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