Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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