Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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