two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
