i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
