I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
