College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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