Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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