when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
