Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Randomize
