We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
