Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
