why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
