He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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