It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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