i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
