Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
