His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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