false alarm. still invincible.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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