I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
It was confusing and full of hummus
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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