She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
