I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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