I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
