you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
