I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
