Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
