Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
