maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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