Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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