i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
