If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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