mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
