I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
