i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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